I wrote this some time ago, and it popped up on my Facebook feed as a memory. I chuckled while reading it, forgetting that I used to write much more frequently and with a sharper sense of humor. I decided to share it here for posterity.
There Is No Box.
Zach
The Sunday Worship Ritual of a Weekend Wedding DJ, Upon Arriving at Church at 8:00 a.m.
Step 1 - Rehearse.
Step 2 - Rest voice by talking to others.
Step 3 - Rehearse again.
Step 4 - Change into stage wear.
Step 5 - Worship service.
Step 6 - Need shower.
Step 7 - Wait because there are no showers. Smell a bit.
Step 8 - Worship service #2.
Step 9 - Search internet for new voice.
Step 10 - Still need shower.
Step 11 - Wrap up.
Step 12 - Drive home; let A/C dry sweat from body.
Step 13 - Will body into house and up stairs.
Step 14 - Kiss wife. Receive comment about level of sweat. Nod in acknowledgement.
Step 15 - Stand in shower for 10 minutes.
Step 16 - Remove clothing and turn on water. Rinse. Lather. Dry off.
Step 17 - Shut off water.
Step 18 - Turn water back on and do it right this time.
Step 19 - Shut off water.
Step 20 - Dripping wet, walk to closet for new towel.
Step 21 - Hope wife doesn't notice water on carpet.
Step 22 - Dry off again.
Step 23 - Put on comfortable clothes that you would not wear In public, lest it change others' opinion of the type of person you are.
Step 24 - Avoid wife's question about wet carpet.
Step 25 - Get glass of water. Drink the whole thing. Pour another glass of water.
Step 26 - Receive request from wife to take out trash.
Step 27 - Take trash outside. Receive disapproving look from neighbor, who nonchalantly hurries their children away.
Step 28 - Climb stairs again. Go slower this time.
Step 29 - Say "Nothing" when wife asks, "What's wrong?"
Step 30 - Grab bag of peanuts in shell and bowl to put shells in.
Step 31 - Thank God for the beautiful peanut, and that you have no nut allergy.
Step 32 - Answer "Yes" when wife asks, "Did you shower?"
Step 33 - Look at wife in loving manner. Convince her the look is not because you want sex, but that you're glad to be home.
Step 34 - Begin cracking peanuts.
Step 35 - Fall asleep with peanut in hand. Subconsciously thank God again for not having a nut allergy.
Step 36 - Say "No" when wife asks, "Are you sleeping?"
Step 37 - Get up from couch. Drop peanut shells.
Step 38 - Say you're going to bed.
Step 39 - Grab laptop. Do another search for replacement voices. Select cheapest model.
Step 40 - Search for something else to buy so you don't have to pay shipping.
Step 41 - Convince yourself you really don't need Amazon Prime because you don't shop on Amazon often enough to make it wirth the money.
Step 42 - Place order.
Step 43 - Get on Facebook. Find nothing worthwhile.
Step 44 - Note the irony.
Step 45 - Fall asleep with laptop open on lap.
Step 46 - Get jarred awake by sound of laptop hitting the floor.
Step 47 - Lay down. For real this time.
Step 48 - Thank God that you have the ability to fall asleep quickly.
Step 49 - Ignore wife, calling from the other room, who thinks you're awake because she also heard the laptop fall off the bed. Pretend to be asleep when she walks in the room.
Step 50 - Wake up 5 hours later. Find wife asleep next to you.
Step 51 - Smile. Thank God again, this time for everything.
Step 2 - Rest voice by talking to others.
Step 3 - Rehearse again.
Step 4 - Change into stage wear.
Step 5 - Worship service.
Step 6 - Need shower.
Step 7 - Wait because there are no showers. Smell a bit.
Step 8 - Worship service #2.
Step 9 - Search internet for new voice.
Step 10 - Still need shower.
Step 11 - Wrap up.
Step 12 - Drive home; let A/C dry sweat from body.
Step 13 - Will body into house and up stairs.
Step 14 - Kiss wife. Receive comment about level of sweat. Nod in acknowledgement.
Step 15 - Stand in shower for 10 minutes.
Step 16 - Remove clothing and turn on water. Rinse. Lather. Dry off.
Step 17 - Shut off water.
Step 18 - Turn water back on and do it right this time.
Step 19 - Shut off water.
Step 20 - Dripping wet, walk to closet for new towel.
Step 21 - Hope wife doesn't notice water on carpet.
Step 22 - Dry off again.
Step 23 - Put on comfortable clothes that you would not wear In public, lest it change others' opinion of the type of person you are.
Step 24 - Avoid wife's question about wet carpet.
Step 25 - Get glass of water. Drink the whole thing. Pour another glass of water.
Step 26 - Receive request from wife to take out trash.
Step 27 - Take trash outside. Receive disapproving look from neighbor, who nonchalantly hurries their children away.
Step 28 - Climb stairs again. Go slower this time.
Step 29 - Say "Nothing" when wife asks, "What's wrong?"
Step 30 - Grab bag of peanuts in shell and bowl to put shells in.
Step 31 - Thank God for the beautiful peanut, and that you have no nut allergy.
Step 32 - Answer "Yes" when wife asks, "Did you shower?"
Step 33 - Look at wife in loving manner. Convince her the look is not because you want sex, but that you're glad to be home.
Step 34 - Begin cracking peanuts.
Step 35 - Fall asleep with peanut in hand. Subconsciously thank God again for not having a nut allergy.
Step 36 - Say "No" when wife asks, "Are you sleeping?"
Step 37 - Get up from couch. Drop peanut shells.
Step 38 - Say you're going to bed.
Step 39 - Grab laptop. Do another search for replacement voices. Select cheapest model.
Step 40 - Search for something else to buy so you don't have to pay shipping.
Step 41 - Convince yourself you really don't need Amazon Prime because you don't shop on Amazon often enough to make it wirth the money.
Step 42 - Place order.
Step 43 - Get on Facebook. Find nothing worthwhile.
Step 44 - Note the irony.
Step 45 - Fall asleep with laptop open on lap.
Step 46 - Get jarred awake by sound of laptop hitting the floor.
Step 47 - Lay down. For real this time.
Step 48 - Thank God that you have the ability to fall asleep quickly.
Step 49 - Ignore wife, calling from the other room, who thinks you're awake because she also heard the laptop fall off the bed. Pretend to be asleep when she walks in the room.
Step 50 - Wake up 5 hours later. Find wife asleep next to you.
Step 51 - Smile. Thank God again, this time for everything.
There Is No Box.
Zach
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