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Musings of a Comic, Vol. 02

It's good to see people, even if I don't know them.

I've been wearing glasses for about a year. I considered myself to have really good eyesight when I was younger, and then when I was 32, I got my first pair of glasses. And I'll tell you what -- nothing made me feel older. At 31, I was pretty active, pretty full of energy, but I went to go see an optometrist because I realized I was having trouble reading things at a great distance, and especially when there was a contrast of dark lettering and white or bright backgrounds. And he said, "Yeah, you need glasses."

Oh, crap. Nothing made me feel older than hearing those words at that moment. "You have a slight astigmatism." Why can't it just be full-blown, you know? A slight astigmatism? Even my medical conditions are wussies.

"You're in stage one of the most unaggressive form of cancer known to man. You have sixty years to live. Or, I can blow in your ear and cure you."

When I went to actually get the glasses, and I tried them on to make sure the prescription was correct, and I could see really, really clearly. THAT made me feel even older than being told I needed to wear them. The woman at the eyeglass store said, "How do they work for you?"
I as like, "FINE . . ." Then I drove down the street and got a 32-ounce milkshake to drown my sorrows.

I also work as a DJ part time, which is a lot of fun. And most people don't know this, but I am a Christian, and for full-time work, I'm the director of production at the church where my wife and I attend. Why tell you this? Probably because I want you all to understand where I'm coming from, that I am a Christian, and I do write jokes that pertain to the way I live. I'm not one of these guys that's going to tell you that if you don't believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour you'll go to Hell. Although, I just did, so . . . yeah. But no, I'm not going to preach, not going to have an altar call. I just want you to know who I am and what filter I see the rest of the world through. I'm gonna tell you things that might have to do with the church, or Christianity, or the Bible itself. And you die-hard Catholics, I'd really like you to lighten the **** up.

I think it's funny that there are certain things you'd never say in church. You know, like "bastard."
"That preacher is one sick bastard. And by "sick," I mean "good", like the way the young people use it. And by "bastard," I mean "illegitimate child."

I've got this pastor who has no problem bringing up sex in church. He's like, "God created sex. It has a time, it has a place, in the marriage. But do it A LOT in the marriage. If you think sex is just for procreation, I really feel sorry for you. 'Cause you're missing out." And his wife is hot -- his words. Those are his words.

I'm gonna change the subject, 'cause I'm starting to feel weird talking about my pastor's wife.

There Is No Box.

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